Mourning the change

Why does it seem much easier to mourn a death then it does to mourn the life of a person still living? Now hear me out. By no means am I insinuating that mourning in any situation can be easy. Lord knows it is the hardest thing us as humans have to face. Wether it be a loved one, family member, friend, neighbor, house pet, whatever the case may be it is extremely hard! But is it that with death we cope in a much more manageable way, crying, lashing out, shutting down, etc… because we know that this is the end? There is no more of possibility of seeing this person through out or lives? We know that death is final and as sad as it is to think this person will never be back in our lives, we will still always cherish and walk around with the memories of them!

When it comes to mourning the life of a person still living in my case it comes on much stronger. I seem to lash out more. My once working antidepressants are no longer keeping me out of my depression. And the continuous loop of crying, screaming, not wanting to get out of bed, and a heavy chest just keep continuing. It’s a vicious circle.

I have not had the best track record when it comes to some family members. Through out my life I have been made to feel as if I am a burden, unwanted, and left to fend for myself when times have been the toughest. I don’t hate them for that but I also don’t enjoy the treatment. You begin to build a wall, become numb, and realize that just because blood has bonded us together through genetics, that it really doesn’t matter at all! After all regardless of the genes we are still our own individuals and are all different in various ways!

Through out the years I have become so quick to shut people out. I’m an introvert to begin with, very shy, and prefer not to have drama in my life. But in my younger years up until my twenties it was usually friends or co workers I would shut out. It wasn’t for a difference of opinion. It was the lack of friendship they would chip in. A relationship works both ways and if only one person is putting in the effort it becomes tiring. So I would just give up.

When it came to my family though I noticed a pattern. If I was the one shutting them out after so long they would reach out to me or I would cave and reach out to them. My heart was too big, my mistake I know. And they have been the most constant thing through out my life. So as any bad habit is mentally we break down and give in. Things seem good at first. There are giggles and some fun times. But as all bad habits go the vicious circle continues and days, weeks, or months later we are back in the same boat we had just tried to restart to go to a different destination.

Do people change? Yeah. Is it aways for the better? No! In order for a positive change to take place with someone they need to first start by looking at themselves. I am no angel! I know this! I know my flaws and I know I am not perfect! No one is! But not everyone can truly look at themselves. Or get the help they need to become a better individual in society. I get it! It’s hard to hear things about yourself, it’s hard to sit and reflect on the wrong you have committed. Unfortunately to become a better person these steps need to take place. With out it there is no change!

Family to me is not so much about blood relation anymore but more of who is there for me, gives me time, asks how I am doing in return to me asking how they are, checking in and letting them know I’m always here and love them.

This doesn’t make the process any easier. In the past month my life has taken a drastic turn. I feel so alone. What I have known for the past 31-33 years has now changed! Even though I may not fully agree that blood makes the relationship stronger. When it’s all you’ve known your whole life it is extremely hard to just let go.

I want to! And I have! But I feel this mourning going on. A constant depression. Things aren’t the same. I’m in a constant feeing of loss and confusion. I don’t know how to get by from one day to the next other than my typical routine. This has been probably one of the hardest changes I have come across through out my life.

I need to find a way to break the loss. Move on. And never allow my girls to ever feel what I’ve felt on and off my whole life. I am extremely strong! I have grown and learned so much through out my journey! With more learning to come and more obstacles to try and break me down. I am not naive the world is pictured as a beautiful place with beast roaming around destroying the beautiful picture. I have no doubt I will over come this as I have so many other things in my past. Christ they have helped mold me into the person I am today! I am thankful for every experience! I am bound and determined to get through this challenge some day soon!