Mourning the change

Why does it seem much easier to mourn a death then it does to mourn the life of a person still living? Now hear me out. By no means am I insinuating that mourning in any situation can be easy. Lord knows it is the hardest thing us as humans have to face. Wether it be a loved one, family member, friend, neighbor, house pet, whatever the case may be it is extremely hard! But is it that with death we cope in a much more manageable way, crying, lashing out, shutting down, etc… because we know that this is the end? There is no more of possibility of seeing this person through out or lives? We know that death is final and as sad as it is to think this person will never be back in our lives, we will still always cherish and walk around with the memories of them!

When it comes to mourning the life of a person still living in my case it comes on much stronger. I seem to lash out more. My once working antidepressants are no longer keeping me out of my depression. And the continuous loop of crying, screaming, not wanting to get out of bed, and a heavy chest just keep continuing. It’s a vicious circle.

I have not had the best track record when it comes to some family members. Through out my life I have been made to feel as if I am a burden, unwanted, and left to fend for myself when times have been the toughest. I don’t hate them for that but I also don’t enjoy the treatment. You begin to build a wall, become numb, and realize that just because blood has bonded us together through genetics, that it really doesn’t matter at all! After all regardless of the genes we are still our own individuals and are all different in various ways!

Through out the years I have become so quick to shut people out. I’m an introvert to begin with, very shy, and prefer not to have drama in my life. But in my younger years up until my twenties it was usually friends or co workers I would shut out. It wasn’t for a difference of opinion. It was the lack of friendship they would chip in. A relationship works both ways and if only one person is putting in the effort it becomes tiring. So I would just give up.

When it came to my family though I noticed a pattern. If I was the one shutting them out after so long they would reach out to me or I would cave and reach out to them. My heart was too big, my mistake I know. And they have been the most constant thing through out my life. So as any bad habit is mentally we break down and give in. Things seem good at first. There are giggles and some fun times. But as all bad habits go the vicious circle continues and days, weeks, or months later we are back in the same boat we had just tried to restart to go to a different destination.

Do people change? Yeah. Is it aways for the better? No! In order for a positive change to take place with someone they need to first start by looking at themselves. I am no angel! I know this! I know my flaws and I know I am not perfect! No one is! But not everyone can truly look at themselves. Or get the help they need to become a better individual in society. I get it! It’s hard to hear things about yourself, it’s hard to sit and reflect on the wrong you have committed. Unfortunately to become a better person these steps need to take place. With out it there is no change!

Family to me is not so much about blood relation anymore but more of who is there for me, gives me time, asks how I am doing in return to me asking how they are, checking in and letting them know I’m always here and love them.

This doesn’t make the process any easier. In the past month my life has taken a drastic turn. I feel so alone. What I have known for the past 31-33 years has now changed! Even though I may not fully agree that blood makes the relationship stronger. When it’s all you’ve known your whole life it is extremely hard to just let go.

I want to! And I have! But I feel this mourning going on. A constant depression. Things aren’t the same. I’m in a constant feeing of loss and confusion. I don’t know how to get by from one day to the next other than my typical routine. This has been probably one of the hardest changes I have come across through out my life.

I need to find a way to break the loss. Move on. And never allow my girls to ever feel what I’ve felt on and off my whole life. I am extremely strong! I have grown and learned so much through out my journey! With more learning to come and more obstacles to try and break me down. I am not naive the world is pictured as a beautiful place with beast roaming around destroying the beautiful picture. I have no doubt I will over come this as I have so many other things in my past. Christ they have helped mold me into the person I am today! I am thankful for every experience! I am bound and determined to get through this challenge some day soon!

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Is there a meaning to this?

I’ve been trying to work on myself lately and in doing so I have been seeing a counselor for roughly two months now. I really like her! Typically I have a hard time opening up to new people in my life but after only a few sessions, I find myself sitting more relaxed on her couch and opening up about more personal issues. But after a two week break and a rollercoaster of events that occurred I meander a bit off our usual topics. 

Suicide has always been a part of my life. Having watched the media of celebrities who have taken their lives, remembering finding out a cousin of mine hung himself at the young age of eleven, an ex boyfriend of mine while we were together his cousins husband hung himself, it’s talked about in books, schools try to remind us never to give up but when feeling these lows in life talk to a peer, counselor, or call a hotline. It tends to be in your face from a young age but not an easy topic to talk about. 

Just last week someone I have looked up to since the winter of 2000 took his own life. Chester Bennington of Linken Park hung himself. When I found out I searched the websites to see if they were ligit and not just a hoax. The news of his death hit me harder than I ever would have thought a celebrities death could have ever affected me! 

I remember seventeen years ago as if it was yesterday, hanging out in my friend Curt’s bedroom when he turns on this new band. “I know it’s not our normal style but give it a chance.” He then puts in Hybrid Theory and tells me it’s Linken Park. He plays One Step Closer and immediately I’m in tune. I loved it! At that moment I had no idea how much this bands lyrics would help me through years of my own lows, depression, and anxiety. Pretty sure I spent that whole year with the CD on repeat. As the years went on other hits of theirs helped me.

So here we are, today. Sitting across from a tall skinny, blond. Hair down her torso with slight curls. In a light tan painted room. Her desk behind her. A window to my left, and I sitting on a small black leather sofa with a black and white pillow and another small black leather couch next to me. I explain to her how. Chester’s passing has affected me, how I’m not one to really morn a death let a lone a celebrity. I begin to tell her I tried to move on with my weekend and hit up the Hemlock fair with some family. How I had a great time, but as I sit down to watch Game of Thrones that sunday, my weekly drug, I read on Facebook that an old teacher of mine had also just committed suicide! “I literally had two suicides in the matter of a few days” I told her. “It’s just all so crazy to me!” And as I said that she interrupted me by pointing at the window to the left of me. I turn my head and see two large pigions on the window sill. I turn back to her looking confused. She looks amazed and all I can think in my head is “Is she really so shocked to see freaken birds?” She proceeded to tell me how this rarely happens, just a handful of times someone was in her office talking about death when birds landed on her window sill, all of those times they were sparrows minus one other time it was a pigeon. She makes it a point to tell me how never once at the same time did two birds just hang out on the window sill like that. She looks at me and says ” Don’t you see the significance in this? Think about what you just said to me, you just had two deaths in less than a week, and here comes two pigions!” 

I immediately become freaked out by the whole thought of it! Now I’m not saying Chester himself flew all the way to this little New York window, but I do believe it is some sort of sign to signify these two lives are now at peace and were able to break away from the horrible demons in side haunting them while they were here physically on Earth. I’m no expert in any paranormal or spirits or after life. Hell I dont even know if any of it is real or just an ironic situation that occurred. But I’d like to think there is something out there for us after life and that these lives are in a better place safe from their own thoughts.

As I sit here writing this I have Linken Park on YouTube. I’m sad hearing this beautiful voice with lyrics of such pain. I wonder how many will actually read this, how many will find it unusual or just ironic. Truthfully it doesn’t really matter, at the end of the day all that matters is those two birds gave me light today. I saw hope that maybe mental illness doesn’t last forever and that someday we can all be at peace! 

Just a thank you to facebook messenger

Somedays are harder than others. We as adults some how find a way to complicate life. As children we often fantasize about being adults, the long nights out with friends, being able to buy alcohol,  cigarettes, vapes, sleeping in, clubs, no school, you get the picture.  All of a sudden we have entered adulthood.  Most of us with regrets from our past. You see what highschool regrets to educate you on is what happens after becoming alumni . I mean maybe I was absent that day. I will admit I wasn’t the best student, however I notice facebook acquaintances often seeking recommendation,  crying for help, and asking questions in regaurds to adult situations. The most frequent questions are dealing with our children. I mean lets be honest with all these new diagnosis and what is wrong and right for your child changing daily via media who would know what is the right step to take, and how would we be able to cover a class when the adults prior to us weren’t handed an instruction manuel either. We get here and spend most of our days worrying about taxes, car payments, health insurance, have I lived up to my parents standards, will my boss be upset with me for making a tiny error, my child ate soap will he/she be ok. These are just some examples of the everyday worry running through the adults mind.  Why do we wish so hard for this day to come when not one of us can prepaire ourselves for it. When we get here why do we spend time wishing we could just go back just for one day.  We become envious of someone better off than us. Others even drift into dream land, maybe watching snapchats or facebook videos of a celebrity and pretend they are them just for a split second. And the last bunch sit waiting for the next phase, when retirement comes into play yet again rushing life to get to another phase when realistically that is our last phase here.

You see this week has been extremely draining for me. I have numerous calls home from school about my daughters behavior. I was reprimanded by my daughters bus monitor.  Im pretty sure my youngest and I are coming down with a cold, or pissed off our allergies and they are setting up an attack on us. My boyfriend is going through his own emotions and I have to be strong for him. Im just tired.  Spent a lot of yesterday sitting on the couch listening to music on the verge of tears until I’d look up and see my youngest smiling at me. I think as adults we have to go through sitiations like these to remind us of the good days we have so many of.  Remind us that yeah right now sucks but you know what, I will get through this. We as a family will figure this out and these tears will just be a distant memory collaged over by happier times. We’ve had many in the past, and will continue to create more. 

When my alarm went off this morning I rolled over, turned it off and sat there thinking of my options. “Do i keep my oldest home, not deal with the bull from school and spend the next two days as family days together or do I suck it up, put my big girl pants on and send her in.” You see when I’m depressed and going through something my first step is to just sleep, forget all that is going on and just let go. But other times I realize that I am down and need to get out of the funk. So today I got up and got both the girls ready and fed. I got myself ready and went for a walk with my youngest and boyfriend. I still wasn’t myself but was showing myself I needed to not lower myself, and pull myself out of this rut. 

The day went on like most days, lunch was made, my boyfriend went off to work, and my youngest napped while I got my much needed mommy time. Out of no where I recieved a facebook message. This person and I are more like acquaintances but also stay in touch from time to time and know we can count on eachother when it comes to advice. Very sweet person to say the least, strong, and I know if this persons life wasn’t so hectic like every other adult out here with a job and a family that we would probably find time to get together. 

As posted in other blogs or if you know me personally you know my oldest has been through the ringer when it comes to doctors, diagnosis, procedures, school ieps what have you. This person messaged me in regaurds to one of their children seeking some advice. We talked she stated the issue, I gave my opinion and to be completely honest I’m not sure why this person took the time to ask me because from what i saw i saw a very well put together parent who is extremely supportive of their child, and was making all the right moves to secure a better future for their child. However, I am so glad you messaged me. I may not have been much help being how smart and prepaired you are when it comes to your children,  but know I apprecite it! Its not often I have anyone to turn to in a time of need who can fully relate to my situation. To be able to help someone else really helps make a person feel good! You helped me get out of a rut reminding me that even though no one is out there with the same exact situation as me, that there are still people out there whose lives I can impact or help. So I just want to thank you! And I wish the best for you guys! Hope everything goes in your favor. And lastly want to remind you how lucky your children are to have such a strong supportive parent on their side! 

Food porn! The way to my heart! 

Taco Tuesday! Not always celebrated in our cradle, but ingredients are always on hand incase of an emergency and low finances. My Dad and Lisa ask if instead of their usual Tuesday routine of taking my one daughter out for dinner if they could possibly come by with a pizza. The previous night my mom stopped by to see the girls with a surprised pizza so I declined that idea. Instead I thought “Well it is Tuesday and we have everything we need for tacos.” So I shoot the idea to my step mom. They agree that its a good and cheap idea and will be seeing us in a few hours for dinner. 

The night comes and goes,  we sit down to dinner, clean up,  and hang out with the girls before their bedtime. We all go up and put the girls to bed and then sit down for a brief adult conversation before they head home to catch some shut eye. I stay up about another hour. Tired from the events earlier in the day, I text my boyfriend to let him know I wont be awake when he gets home from work, and I fall into dream land. I had no idea what would be going on in my kitchen just two short hours later!

The night goes by, and before I know it the sun is creeping through my window. I wake up feeling refreshed and start my daily routine of getting the girls up and fed and one off to school. As I open the fridge to grab the milk I notice a half left over tomatoe and a burrito tortilla. I kind of just ignore it and continue on with my day.

A few hours goes by and my boyfriend wakes up.  As were out for our first cigarette he asks with excitement “Did you see what I made last night?” I respond with “Yeah but I dont want any.” He looks at me like I’m nuts and says “You know I made a crunch wrap right? ” I get a huge smile! He looks at me and says “Do you want one for lunch?” “Fuck yes!” I respond! 

Twenty minutes later and this is on my plate!

And for himself: 

SOOO GOOD, SO GOOD! SOOOOOO GREAT!!!!!!

Another nail in the coffin

“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” “Arge!” I roll over and blindly  grab my phone to turn the obnoxious sound off. I squint to view my facebook notifications in hopes of it waking me up just a little. Five minutes rolls by. “Ah! I really need to get out of this bed don’t I!?!?!” I think to myself. So with that I roll back over, do a quick arm and back stretch before sitting myself up to prepair my body for the hundred and fifty pound squat I’m about to do. 

“Come on Fizz, go outside?” I say to my twenty-eight pound, blond cockapoo. Still half asleep he musters up the little bit of motivation his eleven year old body has left in him, and I gear him up with his leash to head out to the back so he can do his buissiness.  Leash in hand, he gets a bolt of energy through his body that pulls me faster than I can yell “Fizz!” And before I can make it to the other side of my front door, I find my finger stuck in the hinges of a now closed door! 

“FUCKKKKK! That hurt!” I say out loud as I crack the door back open to pull my finger back out. Its throbbing! Knowing my furr baby still has to go to the bathroom I stick my right hand through the handle of his leash making sure its secure so he doesnt escape with the next Usain Bolt dash he takes! Then I take the remainder of my right hand and wrap it around my left pointer finger, tightly with the occasional shake because it just hurts that bad!

Finally hes done and ready to return inside! As I turn around to head back I notice a blood trail all the way from my front door to a puddle right beneath where Im standing! With horror I unwrap my hand from my finger and look down. All I see is a blood covered finger. “Hurry up Fizz!” I yell at my dog in panic just wanting to get in to clean up my finger and see exactly what the hell I did to it.  

I break through the front door, not even releasing Fizz free of his leash, and dash over to the kitchen counter to grab a paper towel. I wipe it off to see how bad and where it was cut! I can’t believe my eyes! My nail is actually sticking out of my skin! What the HELL! and this is where I start to panic! I wash my finger, wrap it in a new piece of paper towel and head out for a cigarette to debate if I need to see a doctor. I call my mom, no answer.  I call my boyfriend, no answer. I had to of called both of them at least five times before my mom finally calls me back! 

“Alyssa! Whats going on? Why do you keep calling me!” 

“I think I need to go to the hospital! Can you take me?”

“Sure honey, what happened?”

“I’ll explain when you get here! I just have to put a bra on, brush my teeth, and get Bella looking decent.”

“Ok hun, I will be there shortly!”

“Thanks mom! I appreciate it!”

With in ten minutes my mom was walking through my front door. She helps me grab my daughter and a diaper bag and head to the car. As I get in I explain to her what happened, and before throwing the car into reverse she asks to look at it. Blood still pouring out we then head to our nearest hospital.

We get there and we maybe waited maybe five minutes before being called back. It was early morning and apparently a dead day for the emergancy department. They ask me how it happened, what it feels like pain wise on a scale of one-ten, and then take me back for x-rays to see if I had broken my bone.

We wait. And wait. And wait. When finally a knock on the glass door.  “Alyssa?” A mans voice says as he walks around the curtain and introduces himself. “Well you definitely need stitches and you broke your distal phalanx.” Whatever the hell that ment, I didn’t care! Honestly I just wanted them to numb the pain and stitch me up! Little did I know the pain I was about to endure! 

The man pricks me with the needle! No big deal, needles don’t bother me, but hold on a minute! What is that pain! He pushes the fluid into my wound and I have never felt a pain like that before in my life! Luckly it only lasted for the duration of the shot! And then he began to stitch me up with two little stitches. 

I was good as new, or so I thought! This stupid little wound all because I wasn’t entirely awake yet took months to heal! Even after it was “healed” it no longer looked like my original finger! I guess after so many times of banging it, jamming it, and just being stupid and reckless it was bound to be worn down and not grow back to its original form! Lesson learned! 



I thought we were better than this!

I open my eyes. The room is dark, both windows covered by a shade behind the thick dark black out curtains. As I sit up I see the cherry wood foot board. Im covered with a light tan sheet, an off white knitted sheet, and then a heavy tan comforter. I turn to my left where an old black 1960s desk with white trim sit under one of the windows cluttered with decades of accumulation. I scootch over the empty spot where my cousin once was. The smell of coffee pollutes my four year old nose. I hop down off the queen size bed onto the cold wood floor. I scurried over to the area rug so my feet wouldn’t get cold, an off white shaggy rug that when stepped on wrong would fly out from under your feet. I quickly run by the long cherry wood dresser with a beautiful mirror to get to the kitchen and quickly  get my breakfast in hopes I didnt miss Bill Nye. 

The house has always had an errie feeling to it. My grandma is what you would call a pack rat and my grandpa does his own thing, mostly in the yard, basement or porch. I walk through the dinning room careful not to let my grandma or grandpa catch me running in the house. As I turn to my right to walk into the kitchen I see my grandma in her usual spot, infront of the stove boiling her water for her tea. She stand there in her white moo moo, her wig a bit distressed. My cousin sit across from the little box tv sitting to the far right of the black table for 8 with brown men on horses painted on it, she sit there in her pink jammies, hair in a messy pony tail eating a bowl of golden crisp. The room stayed quiet as I walked in. Aimee too consumed by her early morning cartoons and grandma too distracted by her own mind to hear me walk in. I pour my bowl of fruit loops and milk and walk into the spacious living room. I quickly turn the tv on to channel 31 in hopes of catching my saturday morning shows. I lay down infront of the late 1980s box tv avoiding the couch and two chairs covered by blankets and plastic to protect it from any spills. I open up grandma’s curtains on her big front window to brighten it up a little and let the summer sun shine in and heat up the house chilled by central air all night long.

In comes my grandpa, a short little guy, balding in the middle of his head with a slight gut on his belly. A quiet man, not much for words walks past me into the back hallway towards the bathroom. I finish my bowl of cereal and bring it to the sink for grandma to wash. “Go get your suits on girls, its going to be a nice day and I think grandpa plans on setting the pool up for you two.” Grandma tells us. We both rush to the spare room to find our suits. We hear the bathroom door open and know that grandpa is on his way to the backyard to set up our pool if he hasn’t already. We quickly get dressed and head out to the back patio to find that our pool has already been filled half way with warm water from the faucet courtesy of grandpa, and the remainder is being filled by the hose.  “Hop in girls, it shouldn’t be too chilli.” Grandpa tells us. And we both run off the stone patio into the beautiful soft grass and jump into the little blown up pool. 

That is how most of my summers were spent.  At grandma and grandpa’s with my cousin Aimee in the pool grandpa set up for us. That is until December of my kindergarten year. My grandpa had spent a few months in the hospital, I dont remember much of it other than one specific time we went up to the hospital, my dad and I. This couldn’t have been long before he passed. The room was very dark, blinds drawn. I don’t remember much about my grandpa except the blue blanket over him keeping him warm.  Being I was only five my dad tried his best to explain the situation to me and I understood it how any other child would have understood it at at that age. It couldn’t have been too many weeks later before my dad picked me up from day care. I was dressed in my white shirt and blue pants uniform I wore at catholic school where I attended before being dropped off at day care so my parents could finish their jobs. My dad working for his father’s company washing windows down town and my mother also working for a family owned buissiness a tool and dye shop ran by her father. Dad picks me up in his red Plymoth Horizon and drove me over to grandma’s. I walk through the porch into the hall bringing me up to the kitchen where grandma sat. The room still dark and errie. Dad sits me down next to grandma where they both explain to me that grandpa’s battle with pancreatic cancer has ended. Im not quite sure if I didn’t understand exactly what was being told to me or if I just lost my mind for a second but I ran out of the kitchen into the dinning room where across from the table was a stair case up to the second floor no one used other than for storage. I looked up and just kept yelling “Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!” I dont remember much to the end of that night, however one thing I do know is that the whole family dynamic, everything I knew was about to change! 

The next few years were basically spent the same way, everyother weekend when I was at my dad’s I’d spend one or both nights at my grandma’s with my cousin Aimee. My dad only had one sister Lea, and she had one daughter Aimee. Aimee was six years older than me, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a little bit skinnier than me but still on the chunky side, a theme on both sides of my family only passed down to the unfortunate ones. Fridays were spent watching T.G.I.F. and coloring, where saturdays were usually playing dress up or office manager with fake cigarettes and phones that no longer worked but had the cord attatched. Week nights when it was my dads turn to have me it would be lots of coloring, The Simpsons, and Fresh Prince, and sometimes 90210. I remember I believe it was a Thursday, Aimee and I were watching 90210, there was a sex scene. I was probably 7. I asked her if during those scenes if they were really “doing it” or if there was something inbetween them.  She looks at me and says “They have underware on under the sheets Alyssa.” And from that day on I assumed thats how sex scenes were filmed. 

The years went on and as Aimee and I aged we kind of went our seperate ways. With our age difference it only made sence. Her mom was starting to get a little weird and Aimee didnt come to grandma’s as often. I’d still spend an occasional night at grandma’s with her listening to her stay up all hours of the night on the phone with boys. Or on a rarity I’d spend the night at her house. A house much bigger than I was used to, my dad living in a two bedroom apartment. Her house was closer to the beach, a yellow raised ranch with browm shutters. You’d walk into an open space with linoleum to your right was an enterance into the garage, to your left stairs to go down into the finished basement, and right next to those stairs a stair way to go up into the living space. Straight ahead at the top of those stairs was the bathroom and to the left my Aunt and Aimee’s room. I remember thinking how cool her room was. She was in LOVE with the Dallas Cowboys and Troy Aikman so her walls were filled with Dallas posters, and she had one of those cool 1990’s phones that lit up everytime it rang! 

I always looked up to her, no matter the state she was in. When she was about sixteen, me tenish we found out her parents were going through a divorce. My grandpas passing and her divorce was why she was starting to get a little weird over the past couple years. But the 90’s were such a good time, the economy was good, everyone was busy working and tending to their family to even notice someone else may be going through something. During this time Aunt Lea slowly started to drift from the family. Aimee choose to live with her dad.  This is where her and I really drifted apart. Her father worked at a bowling alley and was rarely home with her. This gave her total access to an empty house. She did more grown up things that I was too young and nieve to notice. 

The family dynamic stayed like this for many years up until about my senior year in highschool. Im not exactly sure how we got to talking again Aimee and I, but I would have to assume it was probably some holiday. We probably sat and talked about how even though we had that six years inbetween us that I wasn’t as young as she remembered me. We picked right back up where we left off. By this time she now had her own place quite a drive away but I made sure to take the trip to stay in touch with her and try and get our relationship back to how it was when we were little. I wouldn’t say I neccessarily missed being shoved in grandma’s basement with all the deer heads or being dragged into the bathroom so she could go number two not alone enjoyable but I did miss the connection we had way back then! 

During this time in our lives we mostly spent it getting “fucked up” at her place where Id usually spend the night. I’ve never been one for driving under the influence, drunk or high so it was nice that she’d allow me to stay. Some nights I’d have a friend with me where we would make a make shift bed on her living room floor, and other nights we’d just share her bed like when we were kids. We didn’t always do bad things though! We are the typical suburbian kids who go out and do things like smoke a little bit of weed but stay in and watch Sopranos, but we also had a good head on our shoulders too. One time we got all dressed up anf go our photos taken at Wal-Mart to hand out as Christmas gift. 

Between work schedules,  boyfriends, and school our time together started to fizzle away again. She started dating a guy who for lack of better words really messed up her life. I didnt really enjoy his company and I was busy in my early twenties with a house of my own, a roomate and a boyfriend. I was busy messing up my life in another way, but thats for another time. This led us to not really seeing eachother for roughly two years. She might stop by once every few months to take some of my liquor and get messed up on my dime but that was the most of our incounters during that time.

After those two years of making my own mistakes and learning from them, she was also starting to drift away, slowly but surly from her boyfriend.  I was now with another guy, working a good job with my mom and had a baby on the way. I was twenty-three. I had sold my house and moved into an apartment back on the other side of town closer to my mom, with my boyfriend.  I remember it like it was yesterday. Jon my boyfriend at the time and I had just pulled into our parking spot at the apartment about to unload the groceries we had just purchased when my phone rang. It was Aimee, being it had been a while sence I had talked to her I had him unload the groceries while I answered her call. I had no idea that the converstaion that was about to take place would affect me the way it did.

Aimee- “Alyssa are you pregnant?”

Me- “Yes.”

Aimee- “Well are you keeping it?” “Becsuse if you do it will be the dumbest decision of your life! You are only 23 and you will regret this!”

I remeber my heart sinking! I walked through the open parking lot on a cold fall day with a constant drizzle of rain. I passed all the cars into a wooded area behind the parking lot. I walked down a little hill in hopes no one would find me. I found a broken off tree branch big enough to support me, and I just sat there pondering what just went on. Why she was so rude, why she was so disapointed in me, and why would she say the things she did to me. 

Months went by. It was now time for my little girls baby shower before she arrived. My mom and step mom who threw the shower for me sent out an invite to Aimee. But she never R.S.V.P.ed or showed. I didn’t show it, but I was really hurt by this. I know we’ve grown apart over the years but how could she feel this way towards me and not be there to support this little angel who was going to be born? 

Time went on with out her until one day when my daughter was about two I got a call from her. She appologized for the nasty things she had said and wanted to get together to see me and meet my daughter. Now if you know me Im a pretty forgiving person but if you disrespect me so many times or hurt me enough times I will just cut you out of my life, no questions considered and no looking back.  This time i was forgiving and met up with her. Once again we started getting closer again. She had moved to the same town as me in an apartment that had a pool so summer days were spent there just hanging out. I remeber one time after a day of swimming we went back to her place and she wanted to get my daughter dressed so I let her. My daughter just in a diaper turned the corner to walk into the kitchen and all I saw was one of her booty cheeks hanging out. Aimee and I laughed and laughed until we cried! We had so much fun, even holidays were now starting to be celebrated at her place! She made perogies basically as amazing as grandma’s, and thanksgiving was ALWAYS the best! My dad would pick me up, that whole evening would be a bunch of drunks horsing around. My daughter would be with her father and his family the end portion of thanksgiving being that we were no longer on good terms. So because I had a driver and I was cleared of my motherly duties for a while i was able to loosen up, and those nights really made some of my best memories.

My dad and Aimee have more similarities and me and my Aunt Lea have more in common. Lea and I are the quiet home bodies who prefer to sit down and read a book. Dad and Aimee are more of the partiers and rebellions. I couldn’t tell you how many times my dad has had to save her from driving drunk and blowing out all her tires or damaging her car from drinking and driving and running into things. Even though I was against drinking and driving they still made for a good night. One Christmas Eve we went to my step moms sister’s. I was pissed at my daughter’s father, he took her with him to his family. I took a tramadol and two shots of Captain hundred proof before heading two streets over to my step moms sister’s house. Other than Thanksgiving this is probably one of my fondest memeories with Aimee. When i got there I just continued to drink. Aimee and dad egging me on as always, they have video and it’s dad recording and Aimee singing LMFAO “Sexy and I know it” with me, I talk about the velvetta I always keep in my cupboard and how Aimee is going to drive home while I run home with the American flag. I was hammered to say the least! But it was GREAT! Aimee drove me and my car to my place where Dad and Lisa met us to drive her home, but first helping get into my apartment saftly. 

Christmas morning was a blast to say the least! I woke up in my own vomit and my daughter’s father asleep on the couch with her because he couldn’t stomach the smell of our room. Knowing I had to be to my moms in just an hour I tried my hardest to get ready, but I needed his help. I remeber leaning over the couch and dry heaving all over him.  I made it to mom’s about five houses down from my apartment complex. I got through the first two hours but all of a sudden I got a piercing pain and later that Christmas was spent in an emergency room. God the memeories! They probably sound so horrible but as I sit here writting this I’m silently giggling. As much as I can hate Aimee, I can love her just as much! She would always find a way to redeem herself. Meeting at my house with Dad and Lisa drinking whatever booze we had and in return making a memerable night for all of us! 

It seemed as I grew with my age my mentality seemed to too, I had finally met a man worth having in my life who loved my daughter and I and was understanding of all my baggage. I found the courage to kick out and leave my daughter’s father and move into a good spot in my life for mid twentys. Aimee on the other hand continued to live her life full of long nights.  I honestly didnt know if she would ever grow up. But that all changed the day I found out she was pregnant with her first baby! A girl! I never thought this day would come! I was so excited for her! I knew what having a child was like and how great of a blessing it was! It had been a VERY long time sence her and I had talked so I reached out to her via Facebook. I messaged her congratulating her and letting her know that I know she works crazy hours at a local hospital and being I was a stay at home mom I would be here for her and watch her daughter whenever she wanted. Her message back was a simple thank you. I didn’t think too hard about her response because being a first time mom specially with a life like hers is terrifying.

The months went on and I was never invited to her baby shower. And then I got the news from my step mom that Aimee had had her daughter.  Now I wasn’t as hurt about finding out the baby was born from a family member because the last thing you want to do when laid up in a hospital bed with a crying new born is texting all your friends and family. But I was hurt not being invited to the baby shower. I asked around the family as to what was going on with her and why I hadn’t heard from her sence finding out she was pregnant. I found out through the grape vine that my grandmother had told Aimee that I said Aimee should never have a baby. Now if you know my past of miscarriages or know me as a person, you would know I would never have said this. What I infact said was I never thought this day would come! I never thought she would have a baby. That didn’t mean I was upset by it! I was extremely happy for her, and I knew she could, or would rather make a turn around in her life, for this little life that she was now responsible for. Babies change people, and 90% of the time for the better! 

I was mad my words got miscommunicated, and well my grandpa on my moms side may have had high hopes for me, hearing my mouth at a young age saying “She is going to be something someday!” All because I was suppossed to thank him for my birthday gift, a new bike and I replied with “I dont have that word!” But I know all this mouth has done is got me in trouble! So I tried to stay as calm as possible when I opened up my Facebook messanger to message Aimee letting her know that my words got all messed up. I told her what I actually said to grandma and that I would have never talked down about her that way.

I dont remember the exact words exchanged that night. All I remember was I let her get the best of me. I lashed out and said some pretty rotten things. But thats how I get. When someone pokes the bear I put it all out on the table. I acknowledge that when upset I say things that hurt people, so a few days later after I calmed down i sent her an appology for my actions. Her response “Just leave me alone.” So I did!

Another two years went by where we didn’t speak. I would ask family how her and her daughter were and I’d ask to see pictures, she would ask how my daughter and I were. Until one late evening I was sitting around waiting for my daughter to get home from her father’s and my text went off. I looked down to a number I didnt recognize. “Hi Alyssa, its Aimee I wanted to make Amends with you.” the message read. But now my daughter was walking through the door.  I sent her a text asking if she could call me as soon as I got my daughter down to bed. I never got a response back, so like the other times I just continued on with life with out her. 

I’m now thirty, my daughter is six and my youngest is one. Aimee’s daughter is about to be two. My step mom tells me Aimee invited my whole family to her daughter’s second birthday party at a local restaurant.  She claimes Aimee wants to meet my youngest. I dont care, Im still very upset by her, but I put all my feelings aside because I want to meet her daughter.  I suck it up get the girls ready, grab my boyfriend and head out for what Ive prepaired myself to be an awkward event. 

To my surprise it wasn’t that bad. Aimee seemed happy and was very nice to all of us. Her daughter is adorable! And very sweet! We stayed for dinner, cake, and gifts. As we leave we promise to stay in touch. It has been two months sence the party and I have reached out to her twice with no repsonse back.  I am not so sure as to what makes Aimee so different. Usually if I shut you out its for life. But for some reason I always break down and bring her back in no matter how many times she has hurt me. I dont think this will ever change. Its sad but I think this will just be a continuous cycle in our relationship!

The time I was lied to by Fortunes top 100!

I just spent the last twenty minutes of my work out debating about this post and if I should take the time to even write it. The way this world seems to work now is no matter how private you may think your life is its NOT ! The internet has made it so that companies can see when they have been written about just on social media. One simple key stroke opens up their world to anything EVER written about them. It makes me sick thinking that speaking the truth can essentially hurt you. And just stating your opinion now a days isn’t ok! What happened to the first amendment do we not stand by this anymore? We fear that someone else can feel a different way than us, we feel that even though we have so many supporters one bad review needs to be shot down before the millions of customers see it? So I decided that I do infact need to get this off my chest but instead of calling the company out I will not use their name and let the readers I guess come to their own conclusion.

Four years ago I was given a chance to work at a place that I was told the minute I walked through those big black doors for my orientation that this is a place that would change my life! I would be given opportunities and a financial circumstances that not many people with out a college degree could aquire. I was amped up! I spent two days in orientation where I was given all these promises, shown a quick glance of the floor, and free food, god all the free food! The first day of orientation we were welcomed by an assortment of donuts baked in the actual building I was standing in! Lunch was subs from one of their stores. The second day was bagels and fresh made chicken! They really sell you with their lines, what they “stand for” and the goodies you walk into before even starting a shift. It seems like quiet the place and you hear from other employees that work at this companies stores how great of a place it is to work for so you really think this is it! This is where I plan to work until my retirement some day.

My first day I remember like it was yesterday! My nerves were a mess! The whole drive there I blared the music to drown out the fact of having a lump in my throat. I pull up to the signal light where just to my right is the old brown building, company name written in big letters right next to our local airport. Maybe the letters were so big with the intention of catching flyers attention from up above. I make my right and pull into a big parking lot behind a big gated fence. After about 2 minutes I finally find a spot Im comfortable with, not too close but far enough away I’m not singled out by all the older employees gawking out the window or sitting in the smokers tent all by the side enterence. I smoke one last cigarette before closing my window, spraying the smell of smoke off me, throwing in a piece of gum and shut my door to hed in. I walk up and all I can think about is all the people I will meet, what would I be doing, am I smart enough to know what I’ll be shown, will I remmeber my locker combo, how many times will I get lost, the list of questions running through my mind goes on. As I walk through the first set of black turn styles, I think “yes! My badge worked, one less thing to go wrong!” I walk past a cafe to my right, turn left and walk down a hallway to the last set of black turn styles and then down a tan hall I think “man for as much money as this company brings in you’d think they could spend a little money on paint to clean this place up a bit, make it look a little more presentable like all their stores around the north east. (I need to explain that this is one location not like the others, I need to explain this with as little detail as possible. This exact location houses blue colar and white colar, both doing completely different jobs in different locations just all in an attatched building. The “front end” well call it where the “big wigs” work is still set up like its stuck in a 1990 suck hole and it cant escape. White carpet with light tan chairs,plants, and the wood tables inbetween the chairs, and a ceiling two stories high. They have security as soon as you walk in and the lower end white colars, HR, people who look at applications and resumes right there behind security, a long with bathrooms and meeting rooms, down a bit towards the blue colars is the cafe I mentioned I passed earlier with access to everyone. Then you pass through the turn styles to the tan hallway where the blue colars work using machinery and making products and packaging products and then obviously an area to ship the products, then a ways back on another side of the building is where the truckers are, ones who actually work for the company shipping things out, others brining product to other locations to freeze and others dropping things off. This building alone houses about six hundred employees and then as I stated earlier they have stores all over the north east and those have thousands of workers) I walk into the locker room as told during my orientation to my first locker where I found my uniforms. They hang behind an ugly light brown locker with green cylinder blocks behind them. My particular uniform is a light blue over sized shirt and too tight dark blue dickie pants. I grab the two articles of clothing, remove the old metal hangers and place them on the hanger rack, and push through a light tan door into the next locker room where the woman get dressed. My first impression, well the woman are loud and obnoxious talking about this co worker and that co worker, who does this who does that, cackling, just being woman I guess. I look down at the green floors filled with candy wrappers, hair nets, hair, ear plugs, and whatever else they were too lazy to shoot out on their way out the door.  I turn the corner and walk all the way down to my locker thats in a nice little nook in the back. I quickly get dressed and meet up with another girl who I knew from orientation.  We chat it up briefly before an over sized hisapnic woman walked in yelling our names.  We introduce ourselves, she looks at my hispanic co worker with a smile and says ” you will be in artisan”, and then looks at me and says “you will be on bathrooms.” Giving me a little snob look while saying it. (I later find out that she has a different relationship with the hispanic employees, caters to their needs if you will. This didn’t go for all but she definitely had her favorites and it showed.) I didn’t care I knew I was a good worker and told it’s easy to move around in this place, so there was no doubt in my mind I would be out of the bathrooms in no time. 

Two years had come and gone, I’d changed my hours a few times to accommodate my daughter’s school schedule, met a few friends, and earned a pay check but was still stuck in bathrooms except on sundays when I worked early mornings. That shift was my favorite a boss of mine I had become great friends with outside of work was usually on that day and my favorite coworker would usually be paired up with me. Yeah sundays sucked but I was out by 1:30pm and had two great females to work with and make the time go by. The rest of the week was the same exact thing, bathrooms. It didnt matter how much I proved myself to this company or how buddy buddy I was with my one boss because she was the “rookie” of bosses and had little to no say, and yet while this company also has a union the other managers had weight and were able to move people around, put them on different jobs and learn new things as long as they were part time or general help. 

The summer of my second year came and my daughter had summer school, a schedule that wouldnt work with my current hours so I went to my boss with a change of avaliablity only to be shot down. Being I was part time I was confused as to how I could be shot down so i brought it up to the union. (Now some background knowledge on my daughter and myself. My daughter was four at the time and born with special needs that will last her whole life, there was no such thing as sending her to a day care because of her disabilities and I have no siblings, and both parents work, so my options were slim, as for me I was also going through a tough time in my life where my boyfriend and I were trying to have a baby and I had two miscarriages so a lot was going on.) I went with the union to H.R. we talked about my posibility of moving to another department but with no luck, no other deptartment could accommodate my avaliability. Ok no problem there are tons of stores three right near my house, so we talk about the posibility of going to a store, but there were no current stores with open job positions or any that met my availability or my qualifications. The other thing I brought up was possibly making my job a bid job to the union. I was told that was a lot of work and basically guaranteed that because of seniority I wouldnt get it so it was quickly shot down. I brought in papers showing my daughter is disabled, notes from doctors stating she couldnt go to a day care trying to show that I wasn’t like some other employees and I really wanted this opportunity i just cocouldn’t do the hours they wanted from me! Ive changed my avalability prior and had part time co workers who had as well so my mind was boggled as to why this time it was such a struggle. Then after weeks of back and forth between my head boss, the union, and H.R. we come up with my last option, a three month leave of absesnce and after that three months see if anything else in any deptartments or other locations pops up. I basically knew my time here was up, I felt as if they were trying to push me out of the door, even the union worker I still to this day consider a friend we’ve gone out for eachothers birthdays, communicate via text ext. I was let down to say the least, but trying to keep my hopes high I sign my paper work and gear up for a summer off. Financally it wasnt what I could afford for my daughter and I but in order to “save” my job and be there for my daughter this is what I needed to do. 

That summer was good, and I was also able to take some time to work on my own mental health dealing with the miscarriages while my daughter was at her summer school. (A school for children with disabilities she was in a class in the morning and had all kinds of therapies through out the afternoon) But the summer flew by and was almost over. I had to get in with H.R. and see if any opportunities for me had popped up. I call her up and set up to meet with her. I didnt really gear up for this meeting, I didnt think I had to. I’m usually a very organized person who keeps EVERYTHING and brings in whatever papers I may need, but this I thought would be different.  I thought for sure that once I walked through those turn styles up towards the cooperate offices that this would be a new chance! I didn’t care if I stayed here or was moved to a store as long as I was able to keep my job. I knock on her black door that was proped open. She welcomes me in and asks how everything is going. I tell her good and because I thought she was a nice person and we had gotten to know eachother a little bit over the last few months we talked it up a little bit. Just small talk how her daughters were, her summer, and mine. Then she looks at me with a serious face. “Im sorry I have looked EVERYWHERE for a job for you with your avaliability and unfortunetly I can not find anything, so because we can not accommodate your avaliability we are essentially laying you off and I spoke with the woman in charge in that department and she says you will be able to apply and collect unemployment.  My heart sank! I can not believe this is it! I loved this place, even if it was only bathrooms I wasn’t around customers, I was able to come and go as I pleased as long as my job was done, opportunities to move up (or so I thought) I had made a few friends here etx. This sucks! I dont know where I will find another job like this one! So I sign my lay off papers and as I have my back to her she calls my name. “You know we acknowledge how great of a worker you are and how much you’ve put into this place and anytime you reapply we will have you first on the list to have your application looked at.” Im not going to lie all that false hope in that little sentence made me look at that place differently before walking out. I thought you know what they really are good to their employees and at least I know that if I someday find a job with my avaliability I can reapply and probably get hired back. Little did I know how big of a lie that was! 

The time is now, and two years have passed sence all this occured. I sence have another beautiful little daughter who I am able to stay home with through out the day and care for her and her sister when her sister returns from school. I have remained friends with my old coworkers and boss and sence met new friends who also works at this place that were hired after I left. I have sence applied back and with out any luck. I have reached out to the girl who was my H.R. rep only to find out she was moved up the chain of white colars and didnt have time to deal with “little me”, and also started screwing one of the other big wigs who was also moved up in the chain. You see one thing about this place is everyone who works in this place at one time or another ends up dating a coworker. Even I myself am with a man I met there. 

Through out these years of not being an employee for them I have heard some pretty rotten things about this company and have seen first hand how they treat their employees, however money keeps things quiet.  The union they have is a joke! Sometimes they help the employees and other times they dont. It seems like the less of a worker you are the harder they fight. And the more loyal to the company you are the less they fight. And the company hates having the union so they make nicey nice, sugar coat things and make it seem like its going to change when in reality a few months go by and nothing was ever done about it. 

Prior to me leaving this was actually a company that after giving so many years you could work your way up to a manager position.  There were a couple that I actually knew who worked there from the 1970s and now are on a salary rate working a manager position. But now sometimes they hire a front end manager from a store to do a team leader salary position where yes they may know the store, however they have no idea how this “shop” opperates. They come in blind sided and with no direction on how to run a department and other times they rather hire from other companys people who know nothing about this company, some sometimes coming from other states and run departments changing every aspect of the department which in return makes loyal workers move to other departments or leave the company as a whole. And lets be honest because of tax write offs and the economy everyone is replaceable so the good loyal workers who are usually making a good income are now replaced with Caucasions with disabilities who are illiterate, Russian, Macedonians, Aftican, and Hispanic etc, who in hiring these minorities gives the company a write off and pay a little over minimum wage which saves the company but yet these people can’t communicate with their teacher or read the instructions on what to do. So even though this seems like a good idea their essentially hiring people who can’t do their job appropriately and lose thousands of dollars a day in bad product from belts not being cleaned appropriately, or they used a wrong chemical to clean a tool, or mixed ingredients wrong. I have seen and heard about so much product being thrown out just because a machine wasnt programed right or an ingredient was mixed wrong. But the employees have the union to save their back essentially.

The way this place works compaired to the stores (Only the warehouse and bakeshop have a union the stores do not.) is someone is hired as part time unless hired out of the union for a white colar position. They all start off at the same wage and work whatever hours that work for them, or if they have open avaliability whatever works for the company. Some work more some work less. Then general help or part time to full time jobs are posted on a board. This piece of paper states what job it is, what the work intails, how much the person would make, what the hours are and who the last person was to do the job. The employees sign it and the managers go through the list and from seniority the person is givin an option to take it, turn it down, or do a two week trial. After that process you generally have to wait a few years before moving up in this company because there are so many people with higher seniority that when a job goes up someone else usually beats you to it unless it’s lower pay or unwanted hours. 

As I stated earlier I have remained friends with ex co workers and also met a female who was hired after I left who happens to be dating a friend from there. So I still have ties to the inside. I hear all sorts of things but there are two particular issues that have stood out to me and make me wonder why this company has been named top 100 so many years in a row. Two of my issues sence being “laid off” with this company are:

1) My avaliabiltiy was an issue across the board. Not one department had open avaliability that could work with my schedule yet I know of one perticular person with lower seniority than me who has made hours mon-fri 9:00-5:30 but most days this person is grantid permission to leave work an hour early. Now if said person was hired after me why wasnt I asked if I could work that shift before they even hired said person? The company from my team leaders, to floor manager, to general manager, to the union, to human resources all knew of my issue why wasn’t I asked about this opportunity? Why is a company with such a good rep of being there for their employees, a family oriented company feel the need to keep this opportunity from me? Why do I find out after the fact? And why were there so many new hires after I left? Why were the college kids allowed particular avaliability but not me? I busted my ass for this company turning one of the dirty mezzes into a very clean and sanitized area. I cleaned stall doors in the bathrooms, wiped down walls on my free time. I really worked hard for a place that gave me no chance to prove myself, move up, or keep my job due to my avaliabiltity. I guess part of it is my fault for being nieve and thinking this company actualy had my back and cared about their employees.

And 2) Remember how earlier I mentioned that the union should make my janitorial job a bid job and they shot it down basically saying I wouldnt get it.  How about roughly six months after my “lay off” the union made my old job a bid job and all the people currently working this bid all have lower seniority than me! It makes me sick to know that I could have had four years in this company! I could have been in a completely different situation still earning an income and contributing to my families needs, working hours that were suitable for me and my family. I guess showing up every day and doing your job isnt enough anymore. Instead they are too busy dealing with employees getting falletio in their car in the work parking lot on company time by a co worker is more of a priotity to fight to keep their jobs than it is for someone like me who didnt have a bid job and only two years in. 

I guess the moral of this is yes I was nieve and young. I thought this company actually cared about their employees. I thought they took their home life into consideration. But its not all completely my fault for losing this opportunity which is maybe why four years later I am still upset about it. I had fought tooth and nail to come up with options to keep my job for a company I used to look up to, I came up with options that they shot down, I did whatever I could to try and hang on to what I had because even if it wasnt everything it seemed it was an income for my family and I. And all this company did was dick me over. And four years later I still have no understanding as to why I was treated the way I was! 

Jealousy 

Jealousy a word I never gave much thought about until you. In my past clearly I had no idea what love was. To be honest as I sit here and write this I can not think of any one “love” I had that I got jealous feelings towards if he talked or hung out with another or even multiple females. 

Lets be honest, sence day one you made me have feelings this tough and independent  (past) young woman never knew she could have. You stole my heart point blank! And for whatever reason it wasnt anything you had to work for, maybe thats why our love is so strong it was just always there like we were ment to one day stumble upon each other. With each day I  strongly believe our love for eachother only grows stronger, granted we never really had anything come between us that we couldnt handle! Dont get me wrong we have our challenges but as a couple between miscarriages ,  finances, two little girls, jobs, hobbies whatever we go through it together! If your hurting, Im hurting and vis versa. we are eachothers rocks and so fucking lucky we have eachother ! 

With ALL that being said I know what I have and how lucky we both  are to have eachother and thats why I dont quiet understand these feelings I’ve been having lately. I write this to see it, read it, and try and understand my own brain. 

You have mentioned just recently how you think Im jealous of a certain co worker. I shrugged it off and explain that its just awkward for me because the man I’ve had for the past four years doesnt really talk to other woman and if he does its his sisters or family, not even a friends girl friend! And generally I wouldnt have an issue with you talking to other females or so I thought….

See here is the thing I dont get, I know that never in a million years would this female ever be of any interest to you! I know her from when i worked there, Ive seen a bit of her personality and know her looks amd I know that even with those combined she would never be someone you would persue. So why the jealously you ask, and here is my honest thoughts as to why I have these feelings, I  believe that in my head its not jelaousy like oh shes better than me, shes skinner than me, etc, he may want her some day…in my head its more she gets to have the laughs I  could be having with him or the conversations we could be having, she gets your time for eight hours a day where im lucky if I get two! 

As I write this I realize how stupid this sounds because realistically what makes her any different than Matt, Dan, or Jim, and my answer is NOTHING! Do I  feel this way for the simple fact that your making another female smile verses me? Is that really what this is about because if thats the case then I have to stick with what Ive always said, that this is a STUPID emotion! And I  do NOT like it not one bit .  Not only is it not fair to you or her, but its also not fair to myself to allow my brain to feel this way when I  know the truth? 

Addiction

Addiction. Everyone has an addiction. I don’t care who you are! It could be smoking cigarettes or Marijuana or even both, it could be over eating, undereating, over excersizing, it could be gaming, motorcycles, the list goes on. Addiction is in all of us! It’s what we are addicted to that tells society what kind of a person we

Personally I have a few addictions, I am a smoker, I love my mountain dew,I enjoy tanning, but most of all my biggest addiction is Game of Thrones!

A few years ago I met my current boyfriend, he would tell me I need to get into Game of Thrones, at this time I was two seasons behind, which didn’t seem all too bad except in a show like this you need to know the past history in order to understand the events of the present. I honestly tried to get into it. Every Sunday while the third season was airing I would venture over to his sisters for the show. I gave it a few tries before completely giving up! I would go there, cuddle up next to him and fall asleep through pretty much the entire episode in return missing yet another season.

Maybe I didn’t care enough, maybe it wasn’t my time to tune in, or maybe I just didn’t take the time to invest myself in it.

A year goes by and it’s almost time for season four. My boyfriend has big plans for this season. He buys a subscription for HBO now and invites a mutual friend over for every episode, prior to it airing. The boys fantasies about what meals we’ll have during the show. I decide to sit down and give this show another try, just me, myself, a quiet room, and Game of Thrones.I should have enough time to down 3 seasons before season four Aires. Let’s go….

Episode 1, I’m in, I’m enjoying the drama, but I’m still a little confused. The way they talk, some of their non existent words I can’t understand. Oh shit NED! Alright! I’m in now! I dive in to all three seasons taking in every death, sacrifice, devastating news, and build a love hate relationship with the show. It took me a few short weeks to get through the first three and it was just in time for season four!

The time has come. We watch season four, a year later we watch season five. And now we are in the middle of season six. I can not tell you how many times I have watched each episode. I am addicted to this show! It never gets old. I rewatch and rewatch with out a care in the world! Recently I even asked for the books because I hear they’re differences in the books verses the series and I want to know everything about it, from start to finish!

I blame a lot of this on the life I live. I have never been one that’s into fantasy, I’m more of a realist and prefer true stories or dramas with the occasional horror flick. But when I finally started to actually tune in I had a lot going on with my daughter and miscarriages, I blame my addiction on the fact that where a drug addiction takes a drug to escape reality, I watch this show to escape from my reality. It brings me to a place I have never been, nor will I ever go. I can love and hate characters while being sucked into the drama of it all and most importantly forget the background noise I call life for a quick hour.

Why do we want so bad to become adults only to get here and not want to adult anymore. We seek out ways to escape reality, everyone of us. It maybe one thing or another as time goes on, it can even be multiple addictions. To say addiction is a disease I think is a far fetched statement. I think it lives in all of us and it stems from how we handle life once we become adults. The important thing when it comes to addiction is finding one that doesn’t hurt you in the long run. Maybe all of us should take the time to find a little fantasy to escape to once in a while.