He could be my forever…

My mind is a mess! I want nothing more than for this man to be out of my life! I get that he will never be entirely out of my life because we have a daughter together but FUCK why won’t he leave my house!?!? It’s like some sick way of him having control over me! Why do I pick men with such issues, why do I allow them into my life? I had a good up brining. Yes my mom and dad divorced when I was two years old but to be honest it’s the best thing they ever could have done for my future to make me a decent human being. They were not right for eachother I wouldn’t have known what’s up and what’s down if they stayed together, so I am thankful for their parting. Both had partners my mom’s boyfriend left when I was in 6th grade, and to this day my dad is still with the same woman. Both stayed in my life. And I had equal amounts of time with both so there is no excuse as to why I choose these men other than I’m young and dumb, don’t want to be alone and just settle, or I have insecurities with myself?
I do my usual chores for the day. Clean up the house before Bella’s therapies, feed Bella, get her ready, get myself ready, and finally a moment to sit.
“Ding dong” Well that break didn’t last long. “Bella guess whose here?!?!” I try to get my two year old ready for physical therapy. She seems unamused but none the less ready to play with her new yet older friend. We do this multiple times a week. She gets tired quick from her therapies but these woman are great with her and try to separate work and play. Mean while I sit on the couch fighting sleep. “Maybe if I shut my eyes for just one minute they won’t notice…” I tell myself. Up half the night texting a guy who I won’t admit I have a thing for but yet can’t put the phone down to get some rest, just to be up at 6:00am for our daily routine.
What felt like a minute was really a half hour. Therapy is almost over and shortly after another will be arriving. Hopefully I can stay awake through this therapy so I can continue their work when they are not here to work with her. But this guy I can’t get him out of my head! He knows exactly what to say. Talks of our future have come up, talks about running away to his cottage when the weather is nicer, talks of how attractive one is to the other. But I can’t like him, he’s so much younger than me! It’s not right!
“Beep” Steven J. Cole appears on my iPhone screen. “There he is! He must have just woke up and thought of me! Calm yourself woman! Just read the text.” I tell my confused self. “So I was thinking Django unchained is out would you like to go see it with me?” His text read. “Like a date, or just friends?” I respond. “Like a date.” He replied. “OK! Sure.” I respond with. “Now what do I tell this son of a bitch I broke up with back in August, then again in October that I’m going on a date? You know what never mind fuck him! It’s none of his buissness what I do with my life anymore, it’s not my fault he won’t leave my house, I don’t have to explain myself to him as long as our daughter is taken care of.” I tell myself.
The day continues on, my daughter and I take a trip up to pizza Hut for lunch after her therapies as a “you did good work baby, mommies proud of you!” But also to see her grandma who works there. Then back home to hang out before her dad gets here and I head to work.
I kiss her head goodbye, telling her to be good for her daddy. I have a love hate for this time of the day. I hate having to leave her and I hate having to work, but I love having a few hours to myself and I am able to converse with other adults if I like. I turn on some 90s on Pandora and hope for some good throw backs to chipper up my mood on the way to work.
I dance the whole 20 minutes to the job mentally preparing for what’s in store for me here today. I pull in and park as close as I can get and if your a wegmans bakeshop employee you know close is never really close at 2:30pm. I smoke my last cigarette and head in through the shit brown turn styles, not once but twice with my nifty little badge with my hideous picture on it. Head to the changing room to put my uniform on in this very dully lit, green room filled with tan lockers. The smell of woman’s perfume and old food attack your nose. It’s never quiet these little hens are constantly in here passing gossip as if that is their job that they came here to do. I ignore them, slip into this beautiful blue sanitation uniform, put on my steel toe boots, throw my hair up, and walk out the door to get a hair net for my hair, walk to the bathroom and put the hair net on my head. “Ugh it smells today, I prefer the smell of donuts in the fall then this nasty bread smell! Wonder if I’ll see Steve tonight? Fuck I seriously need to hurry and clock in.” I tell myself.
We all wait in this opened room filled with flour, dust, and dirt and wait for our assignments. The whole two years I’ve been here I’ve been stuck on bathrooms as if they don’t trust that I can clean other areas. I am told bathrooms again, what a surprise, I go get my cart and continue on my way to do my job. The whole time just thinking about his face, maybe if I go this way I can run into him.
“I hate this place these woman are fucking slobs! They’re worse than the men!” I think to myself while cleaning the woman’s back bathroom. I walk out to grab some toilet paper off my cart. Steve walks by, “do I say anything? Or do I just stand here? Do I let him approach me? Ugh I probably look rediculous and sweaty” “hey!” He says while walking up to me. “Hey, what time are we going tonight?” I ask him. “Movie starts  at 7:30, but I was thinking we could get together before that and just hang out, does that sound good? Like 6:00ish?” He says. “Yeah that’s great!” I reply. “I’m just going to have you pick me up at my dad’s so there is no issue with asshole.” I tell him talking about the man whose still living at my house. He knows all about my situation, I believe the only way to start a good honest relationship is to be 100% honest from the start, I’m sure he’s skeptical at times and questions mine or his motive but after months of being friends and building a friendship he is still here so that tells me he cares, and wants to be here. He heads out, to head home to shower and get ready for tonight.  I finish my jobs early and left as soon as I could so I could look some what decent tonight.
I rush home to change and freshen up, not even 20 minutes and I walk out of my house to a blizzard. I’m petrafied of driving in the snow so I text Steve to let him know I might be a few minutes late to my dad’s and give him the address.  I’m now on my way and jammen to Macklemore  before he was famous. I’m nervous, I’ve never been on a date before. I don’t want to be awkward! I’m now shaking part of it is anxiety from driving in these terrible conditions, the other nervous of what tonight will bring.
Through the snow I see his green cavalier coming up the hill. “OK Alyssa get ready, here he comes!” “Hey! Long time no see kid!” My corney ass says to him as I go to sit in his car. “Hey!” Did you find it ok?” I asked him. “Yup, pretty easy. What do you want to do while we wait for the movie? I was thinking maybe just hang out and chat?” He says. “Sure sounds good!” I reply. We spent the next hour just chatting. We some how always have something to talk about. At some point during our conversation I see him looking straight ahead, I take that minute to check him out and think to myself “is this really what you want Alyssa,  he’s really not your type,  but he is cute, and oh so funny!” He now looks at me with a smile. “You want to head in now?” He asks. “Sure.”
We head in, he pays, he buys us drinks, snacks, and popcorn. “Wow, no one has ever done that for me  before, I’m so used to always having to be the one to pay!” I think to myself. We head in and spend the next few hours watching the movie.
The movie ends and we head towards the car. “What did you think of the movie?” He asks. “It was good.” I say shyly. We talk about the movie for the next 10 minutes to my dad’s house, where my car is. We get there and it is completely covered in snow. Doesn’t this guy get out his little red snow brush and brush off my whole car for me, While having me stay in his already warmed car. “How sweet!” I think to myself. As he finishes I open the door and get out to smoke 1 last cigarette with him and thank him for a great night! He then says good bye and gives me a bro hug. Awkward to say the least, ha ha. But I laugh about  it, and send him a kidding text about it once I got home. I then spent the rest of the night making my bed on the couch and texting him until my eye lids finally came down and brought me into dream land.